Tribune: All the News that Makes Us Richer

On page 5 of the Tempo section in today's Tribune we find a charming feature about some people who built a one-third-size replica of Wrigley Field in Freeport, IL. But we don't know anything about those people except for one name — Denny Garkey — and the word "organizers." And the story doesn't tell us anything about the community that hosts the field. Instead of emphasizing the people who built this field or the community in which they built it, the Tribune predictably emphasizes itself. That is to say, it emphasizes its own assets, without disclosing that they are assets, and at a time, we note, when those assets are for sale.

The first paragraph, ostensibly describing the mini-field, mentions the Cubs, Wrigley Field, the "Friendly Confines," the green scoreboard, the red marquee sign, and the WGN press box. Need we remind you that Tribune owns WGN?

The second paragraph mentions a person, Dutchie Caray, whom it describes as "the widow of famed Cubs announcer Harry Caray." If the Tribune didn't constantly promote its selective memory of Harry's biography, he might be more appropriately described as the larger Chicago area actually remembers him: "famed White Sox and Cubs announcer Harry Caray."

The third paragraph mentions those anonymous "organizers" of the new field in the course of getting to another mention of Tribune-owned Wrigley Field. Did we mention it's for sale?

And then, best of all, the final paragraph is devoted to the billy goat curse, the Tribune's favorite strategy, for the last quarter century, to attract fans to a losing team. The lovable losers, cursed by a goat.

The story hardly manages to be about its topic — the miniature field — at all, and never gets around to asking the "organizers" why they built it, how they raised the money, how the community has reacted, etc.

And most importantly, the story never discloses that the Tribune owns the assets it is describing, despite ethical codes and a Tribune policy requiring such a disclosure. Why is it important to include such a disclosure in such a cute little feature story? Because as a Tribune editorial recently admitted, "The future of our parent company—conceivably, the future of our jobs—rests to some unknowable extent on the successful sale of the Cubs and Wrigley Field, and the resulting reduction of corporate debt. "

-- Patrick Sheehan

Bleepin' Lead Story

It's pretty clear how the Tribune behaves when its Cubbies are playing poorly, trumping up every meaningless accomplishment and downplaying the achievements of the crosstown rival. And last fall, we saw the latest example of how the Tribune will try to huff and puff and blow the Cubbies into the World Series.

Considering how much time and effort the Tribune has expended over the years to convince you that their Cubbies product is worth buying, it's rather funny that once the product really is good, the Tribune doesn't know how to sell it. Perhaps it's understandable; the sports desk has so little experience in the rarefied air of first place.

As the morning broke today, the Cubs were the hottest team in baseball, sitting atop the NL Central, tied for the best record in baseball at 15-6. Oh, and in a strange little development that has a lot more to do with the Cubs playing baseball since the Civil War than it does with any sort of organizational commitment to excellence, the team just won its 10,000th game, an extra-inning affair on the road vs. the defending NL champs.

What, then, are the lead stories on ChicagoSports.com? The 25-year anniversary of former manager Lee Elia's profanity-laced tirade against Cubbies fans. Count 'em, five stories celebrating one of the most pathetic and hilarious moments in Chicago sports history.

True, it is likely that the Elia tirade is the first real Cubs highlight, and most lasting, of the Tribune-owned era. And if there's one thing we know, the whozits and wassats traipsing about the Tower will never hesitate to congratulate themselves.

Even when the joke is on them.

--Brett Ballantini

Back to Baseball

The White Sox have flown out of the gate, resting comfortably in first place at 11-7, already 2.5 games in front, and 4.5 and 5 games ahead of supposed world beaters Cleveland and Detroit. This in spite of a .242 team batting average and two starters, Paul Konerko and Juan Uribe, batting well south of the Mendoza Line.

So, naturally, it's time for a White Sox mailbag that accentuates the positive, right? That's not how ChicagoSports.com is posing it:

Mark Gonzales' White Sox mailbag
The Tribune's White Sox beat writer answers reader questions throughout the season. This week, Joe Crede's durability and whether the Sox will re-sign him, the disappearance of Ozzie Ball and a struggling Paul Konerko

--Brett Ballantini

Don't Trod on the Trib

As the prior post confirms and any sports message board of note indicates, yes, apparently there's cause for debate over the racist T-shirt being sold outside and worn inside of Wrigley Field. To some, objecting to a T-shirt depicting Cubs star outfielder Kosuke Fukudome as a slant-eyed mockery out of the Mickey Rooney school of caricature is tantamount to political correctness gone wild. Perhaps it's just the yahoos who take the time to comment on message boards, but a scan of comments on the issue indicate there's a plurality of sports fans who feel that someone who objects to such blatant racism must be some kind of sensitive wuss.

And then there's Sean Deveney, the Chicago-based baseball writer for Sporting News. Sean publishes a weekly "power poll" of MLB teams, which often includes clever or insightful comments about each team in the rankings.

Having pummelled the hapless Pirates six times already in this young season, the Cubbies have surged to No. 5 in his April 21 poll. The accompanying comment is also worthy of a pummelling:

There have been complaints about racist T-shirts celebrating Kosuke Fukudome around Wrigley Field. It is demeaning, uncalled for and pretty bad, but it’s not John-Wayne-in-The-Fighting-Seabees bad.

For those of you unfamiliar with Deveney's oddly apologetic reference to a movie more than six decades old and released when the U.S. was at war with the Japanese being demeaned, John Wayne's character in the movie refers to the Japanese as "bug-eyed monkeys." So, Deveney apparently is saying, this Fukudome shirt may be pretty out of line, but y'know, it's more righteous than a shirt that would have been stitched, say, 64 years ago.

Wow, perspective. Deveney, dude, you really nailed it for all of us.

It's not a matter of course to address the national media in this space, but Deveney's flip comment isn't necessarily just foolishness running rampant. It reflects a pattern of genuflection and fear--subconscious or not--that even an established media member such as Deveney feels when he dares trod upon one of the mighty Trib's holdings.

After all, the "poll" is still running at Tribune.com: Is a shirt with "Horry Kow" on the front and Kosuke Fukudome's name on the back OK?

Yes, for some 12 hours and counting, the Tribune actually has been asking its readers whether a shirt depicting a slant-eyed Asian on the front who cannot speak intelligible English and emblazoned on the back with the name of its prized, $48 million baseball-playing employee, is "OK."

Here's a better poll, and Tribune, you're encouraged to steal it: Isn't it sad that you're asking the question?

--Brett Ballantini

If You Have to Ask, You'll Never Know

Poll, April 21, Tribune.com:

Racist T-shirt at Wrigley?
Is a shirt with "Horry Kow" on the front and Kosuke Fukudome's name on the back OK?
• Strohl: It's 'racist'
• 'Funny? Not at all'
• Who would buy one?
• Vote: Offensive?
• See the shirt

This is really a topic worthy of debate? No, it's a shameless attempt at more page views.

Seems we're one step from seeing "Horry Kow" on sale at the Trib store.

--Brett Ballantini

The Silent Ban

Apparently, though it wasn't made known to the public or reported via the "company newspaper" Tribune, the Cubbies have "banned" the offensive Kosuke Fukudome T-shirts being sold outside The Shrine. Interesting, then, that the shirt was blatantly being sold by multiple vendors outside the park, including one highly-visible seller outside of the Cubby Bear.

Today, Rahula Strohl becomes the first member of the Tribune organization to acknowledge the T-shirts. Not in the newspaper, mind you, nor in any online "news" area, but in the sports blog What's Goin' On. And sad to say, based on the vitriolic responses that made up roughly half of the comments on Strohl's criticism of the shirts, they will be on sale outside the park and worn inside all season long.

Funny that these issues never came up on the South Side, when Shingo Takatsu and Tadahito Iguchi became the first two Japanese players in Chicago.

Never underestimate a Cubs fan's right to be ignorant. Or the company newspaper's right to be negligent.

--Brett Ballantini

Horry Kow, It's Frat Boys on Parade

The Tribune has devoted a lot of space lately about the practice of throwing baseballs onto the field during a game. Ryan Theriot thought seeing a dozen or more baseballs fly back onto the field after an opponent's home run in a Cubbies rout was "awesome." Lou Piniella, who's fallen into the habit of defending just about everyone and everything Cub, doesn't see an issue with balls flying back onto the playing field during a game ("I don't think our fans are obnoxious"). Paul Sullivan suggests this is a "new tradition."

But there's a more disturbing story brewing inside and outside The Shrine: The special way some fans are welcoming their first Japanese player, Kosuke Fukudome, to Chicago.

Funny though, you won't read about "Horry Kow" Fukudome T-shirts in the Tribune. (The link connects to a Sun-Times story from April 18.)

The Tribune apparently has all the space in the world to endlessly debate the practice of tossing baseballs back onto the field after opponents hit home runs, or Reds broadcaster Marty Brennaman's reaction to it (the Tribune has run at least two articles solely devoted to Brennaman's comments). Yet nothing has come up about the blatant racism in the Fukudome T-shirt and the fans who "proudly" wear it.

In the Sun-Times story, the team offered no official comment on the racism running rampant inside and outside of its ballpark. Of all the things to offer a quick and definitive comment on, the ballclub's newest and best player being insulted by ugly stereotypes and racism should be first on the list.

So...how long will the Cubs and the Tribune remain silent?

--Brett Ballantini

Head Games

Two papers, two reads on Monday's White Sox loss to the Oakland A's:

Daily Herald
A's Smith Outduels Buehrle

Chicago Tribune
Left Spinning Their Wheels

Same game. Different spins.

--The Lone Ranger

Score Bored

On page 15 in the main section of today's Tribune is a column by syndicated columnist Leonard Pitts, who complains about sports sponsorships in stadiums. Pitts focused on the New York Mets and Shea Stadium, with nary a word about Chicago.

So, what photograph do you think was used to illustrate the column?

Shea Stadium? No.
Yankee Stadium? Nope.
Shots of the new Shea Stadium? Sorry.
Artist renderings of the New Yankee Stadium? Get out of here.
The photo of the guy in the hardhat holding up the Ortiz jersey inside new Yankee Stadium? No.

The U.S. Cellular Field center-field scoreboard? Ding-ding-ding-ding, we have a winner!

Now, why do you think the Tribune wouldn't paste a pic of its own team's park, maybe a sweet shot of the newly-emblazoned Wrigley outfield doors, its sponsored bleachers, or even that yellow Chicago Board Options Exchange sign by the bullpen? Any of that would be free advertising, the Tribune's favorite kind for its Cubbies.

Guess it's the Tribune just tossing the White Sox a bone, huh?

Perhaps it's because of the budding firestorm surrounding naming rights for Wrigley Field. Or the fact that Tribune's own architecture writer, Blair Kamin, suggests that Wrigley should lose its landmark status for allowing a CBOE sticker, approximating paint, on an inner wall of the Shrine (bricks besmirched!).

Seems a whole lotta Tribune editors spent a whole lotta time growing up blaming their mistakes on unsuspecting, innocent siblings.

--The Lone Ranger & Brett Ballantini

Vast Depth of Logic

Last night on ChicagoSports.com, White Sox beat writer Mark Gonzales weighed in on what is clearly the most glaring issue tormenting Chicago's first-place team: its lack of outfield depth.

Actually, the article was a sort of bizarre, a let's just focus on the "young" outfield depth of the White Sox, piece. It's the kind of story that is meant to fill space, random or not; Gonzo could (and should) easily have called this, "Checking in with Ryan Sweeney."

Anyway, Gonzo points out that of a young outfield corps that once numbered Sweeney, Jerry Owens, Brian Anderson, and Chris Young (or, in Phil Rogers parlance, ChrisYoungChrisYoung
ChrisYoungChrisYoungChrisYoungChrisYoungChrisYoung
ChrisYoungChrisYoungChrisYoungChrisYoungChrisYoung ChrisYoungomigodChrisYoungisn'tontheSoxanymore), only Anderson is currently on the White Sox roster.

Baseball fans, sabermetricians, bus drivers, statue sculptors, and even politicians put down their newspapers, shake their tiny fists, and cry out: "So what?"

While there's nothing overt about Gonzo's piece, there's an inherent bias in this filler with a "White Sox outfield not so deep anymore" headline. Because in truth, well, yeah, the White Sox outfield is extraordinarily deep. Its cast includes:

• Jermaine Dye, entering Tuesday's action as the 10th-leading hitter in the AL
• Nick Swisher, an on-base monster, instant clubhouse leader, and fan favorite
• Carlos (don't call me Mini Canseco or Baby Bichette) Quentin, he of the home-run swing and mind-boggling arm
• Alexei Ramirez, whose across the body throw from center to second this afternoon left mouths agape
• Pablo Ozuna, like Ramirez a super utilityman with wheels
• Anderson, one-time wunderkind now squeezed for ABs after a terrific spring
• Owens, who's dropped three or four spots on the depth chart simply because everyone else is playing so well

Countless times the Tribune has taken White Sox GM Ken Williams to task over having dealt Young to Arizona for Javy Vazquez (a pitcher the Tribune's so-called baseball expert, Rogers, predicted would be the best in the AL Central this season). Yet not once, even in this early season, has the paper extended kudos to Ken for having acquired Quentin from the Diamondbacks.

Of course, Gonzo recently made mention of the trade, noting that Quentin cost the White Sox their top hitting prospect--you know, single-A first baseman Chris Carter.

Coming soon: A Trib expose on how the Quentin deal gutted the White Sox's minor-league depth at first base. The horror!

--Brett Ballantini & The Lone Ranger

Quote of the Year

It's early, but we have a contender for quote of the year, courtesy of Cubbies beat writer Paul Sullivan, penning yet another of the already-tired Dusty-Baker-returns-to-Chicago stories.

In a hard-hitting piece that compares Dusty to current Cubbies manager Lou Piniella, Sully leads his story with:

Asked the difference between managers Lou Piniella and Dusty Baker, Kerry Wood said they're actually quite similar, pointing to their main character trait."They both hate to lose," he said.

So simple, it's classic.

--Brett Ballantini

A Tale of Two Stories — Biased Stories

Two stories on the front of the Tribune's sports page today, one about a White Sox victory, one about a Cubs victory. In each, the hometown manager makes self-deprecating comments. Here's Ozzie:

"We got Detroit at the right time. Those guys are going to wake up sooner or later because they have unbelievable talent."

And here's Lou:

Before the game, Piniella said the Cubs were "fortunate" to be in a position to end the trip with a winning record "despite the problems we've had in the rotation and with our offense."

The bias shows in the way each reporter responds to those comments. Even though the Cubs have more reason to thank their lucky stars — they won by one run but had two runs gifted to them, one by an umpire and one by a Phillies error — Cubs house organ Paul Sullivan writes, "But the offense was just good enough Sunday." He writes of Jason Marquis pitching in and out of trouble and writes that "Derrek Lee saved the day with a brilliant stop to present the winning run from scoring with two outs in the ninth." When the Cubs are lucky, they're also brilliant, but when the White Sox are lucky enough to allow only five hits in two games and hit two grand slams on the same day, Dave van Dyck can only be skeptical:

"The question is whether this is real or whether it comes from playing Detroit, considering five the Sox's seven victories have come against, surprisingly, the worst team in baseball."

So, the Sox have a winning record (van Dyck neglects to mention that it's the best record in the American League) only because they beat the Tigers five times. But isn't it also true that the Tigers have the worst record in baseball only because they lost to the White Sox five times? Maybe if they played another team they would have won those games, in which case they would be 7-5, not 2-10.

It makes sense for managers to downplay their teams' accomplishments in April, to stay humble for the long haul. When Lou does it, the Tribune contradicts him. When Ozzie does it, the Tribune piles on.

-- Jeff McMahon

Dr. Phil's Issues With Honesty

You might recall late last season, when Tribune "baseball expert" Phil Rogers apparently fabricated a story about White Sox GM Ken Williams refusing the Diamondbacks' request of CF Brian Anderson in return for Javier Vazquez, instead steering Arizona toward CF Chris Young. As we know, Young has blossomed into a star for the Diamondbacks while Anderson failed as a starter and had forgettable 2006 and 2007 seasons.

What made Rogers' unsupported assertion even more curious was that he cited no sources in his story, and a day or so later Arizona's assistant GM at the time was on record claiming Young was Arizona's primary, if not only, target in the trade. The timing was also suspect: Dr. Phil's "insight" came on the heels of Young spearheading a sweep of the Cubbies in the NLDS. Of course, the Tribune staff to a man predicted the Cubbies would advance to the LCS, and it seems the only way to salve the wounds of being so wrong all the time is to concoct a story that makes the GM on the other side of town look foolish. Apparently, 70 wins for the White Sox wasn't humiliation enough.

Recently, the popular baseball site MLB Trade Rumors opted to include the Rogers link, straight-faced, in a report about Young's contract extension with Arizona. (The sentence including the link reads: "Certainly Kenny Williams wishes he'd sent Brian Anderson to Arizona for Javier Vazquez instead, but the deal has still benefited both clubs." Rogers can't even be that kind.)

There's no obvious fiction involved today, but Dr. Phil sure has it in for Williams. In the category of "beating a dead horse" comes today's item:

"Young Piece to Build Around
Diamondbacks love former Sox farmhand

Javier Vazquez has replaced Mark Buehrle as the best pitcher on the White Sox staff. But the trade for Vazquez hasn't been a good one for the Sox, who lost 24-year-old center fielder Chris Young in the deal.

The Diamondbacks don't believe there was anything fluky about Young's 32-homer, 27-stolen base rookie season. They have signed him to a five-year, $28 million contract extension that makes him one of the faces of their franchise.

[Obligatory quote from Arizona general manager Josh Byrnes about how awesome Young is.]

The Sox were willing to trade Young because they were loaded with outfield prospects at the time. He played alongside Ryan Sweeney and Jerry Owens in Double A and Brian Anderson was one rung ahead of that trio. Young had the highest ceiling of the four, but Williams thought he was expendable.

Ouch."

And, in case you weren't sure how the Tribune was leaning on this one, three photos illustrate this afterthought of a piece. One is of Young, with the caption "Chris Young, whom the Sox traded to the Diamondbacks, has blossomed as Arizona's leadoff man." The other two, of Jerry Owens, and Anderson, have a shared caption: "White Sox GM Ken Williams believed that Jerry Owens and Brian Anderson were more major-league ready than Chris Young."

What's next, a Dr. Phil item mocking former Sox GM Larry Himes for dealing Sammy Sosa for George Bell?

All this would be fair game, even coming some two full seasons after the trade was made, if the Vazquez-Young trade was some sort of what-was-he-thinking? steal. But it's not even close to that.

Heading into today's start, Vazquez has gone 27-21 in his White Sox career. He has three complete games, 431.3 IP, 415 H, 111 BB, 411 K, a 4.30 ERA, and a 1.22 WHIP. In Vazquez's first full season with the White Sox, when he admittedly stumbled start after start, his ERA was still only 0.10 worse than the AL average. Last year, Vazquez's ERA was 1.00 better than average. At 31, he's still enjoying prime years at a fair market price of $12.5 million a year--a contract Williams didn't have the good fortune of inheriting from another GM, but extended himself. Vazquez's statistical twin is Brad Radke, and among the 10 most similar pitchers to Vazquez is Richard Dotson. Short of Young blossoming into Willie Mays, White Sox fans will take it.

Young has played one full season in the majors, and his future is certainly bright. His 32 HR, 68 RBI, and 27 SB from the leadoff spot were good enough to place him fourth in NL Rookie of the Year voting, but he also had some numbers that weren't exactly ideal: 43 BB and 141 K (nearly one K per game), a .295 on-base percentage, .237 average, and an OPS+ of 89 (the average NL player rates 100). His B+ Runs (-13) and BtWins (-1.2), measures of an individual's batting value compared with the rest of the league, were also below average.

It may be better to contrast Vazquez with the ace across town, the Cubbies' potassium-deprived, $18 million man, Carlos Zambrano. Z is 35-21 with 1 CG, 450 IP, 368 H, 218 BB, 405 K, a 3.60 ERA, and a 1.30 WHIP. Zambrano's most frequent comp? Ramon Martinez.

So, Zambrano has measurably more wins, a better ERA (even adjusted for being in the NL), and more mound meltdowns and locker-room brawls than Javy. Vazquez lets fewer batters reach base and strikes out more hitters than Z. You'd give Z the edge, although last year Vazquez blew him away. Is it a $5-6 million per year salary edge? Probably not. Call it a wash.

Imagine if the Cubbies traded a bright prospect--it should be too hard, they've done it countless times. In return, they received a starter who didn't miss turns and would become their best pitcher in a year or less. A Zambrano. A Vazquez. Do you figure some bumpkin baseball writer, two years down the line, would still be shedding a tiny tear over how terrible the trade was?

Look at how Rogers' piece opens: The White Sox acquired their ace, but the deal "hasn't been a good one." How is that possible? Rogers chides Williams for picking the wrong player to trade, although the Sox "were loaded with prospects at the time." Isn't this the very reason you trade a prospect, because you have a bunch? Even if you have no proven outfielders--and the White Sox did--prospects are just that, prospects. They are chips you use to acquire real major leaguers, and if too many of the prospects you trade become real major leaguers, you're in the unemployment line.

Rogers, then, could point out that Young is the first prospect Williams has dealt who is coming close to, if you want to be dramatic about a trade where your get an ace in return, "haunting" him. It's also important to keep in mind that we're talking about only one season's worth of spooking. But for Dr. Phil to do that would gut all his future criticisms of the Sox GM, ones that have come as recently as this offseason, when the White Sox "gutted their farm system" to acquire Nick Swisher. The same Nick Swisher who's now heralded for spearheading the resurgence on the South Side for the first-place White Sox.

The value of HRs and Ks and OBP and "attitude" can be debated until Phil Rogers is finally pushed out of the Tower with his golden parachute, but Swisher is a perfect representation of the player Williams needed on the 2008 White Sox (high-OBP slugger, flexible fielder, great attitude and leadership, reasonable pricetag). None of the players Williams supposedly missed on, including Aaron Rowand, Torii Hunter, and yes, Young, are. Yes, anyone could use 30 dingers out of your leadoff hitter and CF--that's why Swish is roaming out there on the South Side these days.

Dishonest, disingenuous, whoops-how'd-that-get-printed-again journalism has become the norm at the Tribune. Someone there ought to try to stem the tide. That would be Pulitzer-worthy.

--Brett Ballantini

Thanks to Baseball-Reference.com for the statistical support.

POSTSCRIPT: Vazquez started the game after this morning's post, going seven shutout innings, with five hits, nine strikeouts, and no walks in an 11-0 win over the Tigers. Thanks for the effort, Javy!

...and the Flintstones

The next phase of the bizarre Fred Mitchell/Ernie Banks tag-team rehabilitation effort on behalf of Sammy Sosa continues Thursday in the Tribune. The dueling apologists' most glaring remarks begin with this gem from Fast Freddie:

"Although Sosa is the only major-league player to hit 60 or more homers in three seasons, his use of a corked bat, his early departure from Wrigley Field during the final game of the Cubs' disappointing 2004 season and other self-centered acts caused the same fans who once cheered his every move to turn on him."

Well, yeah, all those things and the fact that Sosa's head grew to twice its size, literally and figuratively, during those 60-home run seasons.

But it's not as if Fast Freddie doesn't acknowledge Sosa's dirty dance with those Flintstones vitamins:

"There also are unsubstantiated rumors of steroid use that have chipped away at Sosa's status."

Chased by more bizarre apologizing from Mr. Cub:

"It is unfortunate that it turned out that way," Banks said. "Sammy did a lot for the city and he did a lot for the game. There was not a celebration or a big ending to his career. He's just kind of walking away quietly and nobody is recognizing him."

There's something especially sad about the true heroes of baseball sympathizing with the cheaters. What's next, Hank Aaron lobbying for the Braves to sign Barry Bonds?

Finally, Fast Freddie draws an insipid parallel between the redemption of a generally admired figure who was tragically castigated in "Red Sox Nation" for a World Series error and Sosa, a known and proven cheater:

"There is precedent for fence-mending in baseball. Bill Buckner, a figure of scorn in New England since his costly error on Mookie Wilson's roller in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, was invited back to Fenway Park for a ceremonial first pitch before Tuesday's home opener with Detroit, and Red Sox fans greeted him with a prolonged ovation."

Yep, the guy who poked out 2,715 career hits, many on one, non-Flintstones-aided leg, is a direct parallel to the fella whose lasting contribution to the game was the homer hop.

--Brett Ballantini

Take My Manager...Please

In today's edition, Fred Mitchell reports that White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen missed Joe Crede's eventual game-winning grand slam in the 7th inning because he was busy sending a message to major league baseball. Jeez, the guy gets the quick thumb from umpire Phil Cuzzi and he's off in the clubhouse, playing Sims, downloading reggaeton, and exchanging IMs with Bud Selig?

Whoops. Seems Fast Freddie was a little too quick to type the ### on this item. Let's turn to the master of the one-sentence paragraph, the Bright One's answer to Mike Downey, Rick Telander:

So where was Ozzie when Joe Crede launched a dramatic grand slam over the left-field fence in the seventh inning to give the Sox a come-from-behind 7-4 win over the visiting Minnesota Twins?

''On the computer,'' he said afterward. ''That's where I was, sending a text message to Major League Baseball.''

No, no, no.

He was just kidding.

''I was watching the game,'' he corrected. ''We have so many TVs in the clubhouse.''

(Apologies for the excessive one-sentence paragraphs. It's a Rick Telander space-eating thing, see.)

One thing's for sure: Don't joke with Fast Freddie. By the time you clarify, he's already at the postgame spread.

--Keith Makenas

Pitchers Wear Spikes, Right?

It was one thing to see Dave Van Dyck's tiny tear of joy shed in reporting the Cubbies' "fast start" (yeah, the 3-3 one) in Monday's paper. But DVD also throws in to the Kerry Wood support group, wherein all Tribune writers are required to get in line behind the most disappointing phenom in Chicago pitching history as he embarks on his quixotic quest to become, 10 years into his career, a closer.

Wood, you might recall, got off to a rough start this season, coughing up three runs in the 9th on Opening Day at The Shrine. It took a week, but we finally have the explanation for Wood's hacking fit, courtesy of DVD:

"The former starter, voted the NL Rookie of the Year a decade ago, is trying to reinvent himself after years of shoulder problems. His only failed test so far came on Opening Day, when the mound was slippery. But the three runs he allowed came in a tie game and he was spared the loss thanks to a three-run rally by his teammates."

Hey, give Dave credit for at least acknowledging Opening Day, which has otherwise has been erased from Tribune archives. Subtract points for the needless insertion of the ROY (yes Dave, we know that Kerry used to be good) and for wedging some, uh, creative writing into his journalistic output.

An output that tends to resemble, you guessed it, a coughing fit.

--Brett Ballantini

When Does a Start Start?

In today's Tribune, Dave Van Dyck attempts to manipulate time. Unsurprisingly, his sleepy editors allow it.

After Sunday's stirring win vs. Houston, the Cubbies had drawn to 3-3 on the season. Not bad, not good. Hey, that's what .500 represents, right?

Not to DVD, who was beside himself with excitement over the team's three wins in six tries:

"The manager, Lou Piniella, is starting to see his "fast start" hopes come around, with the Cubs ending their first week at home by winning two games in a row and three of the last four."

We've seen this sort of selective memory before by Tribune writers when it comes to their coverage of the Cubbies. Just yesterday, Paul Sullivan extolled team closer Kerry Wood for being two-for-two in saves, conveniently ignoring his Opening Day implosion in order to establish some sort of false "perfection" on behalf of the first-time closer.

Today, DVD is so desperate to establish that the Cubbies have had a "fast start" that he completely doctors the season's first homestand, altering it from the 3-3 mediocrity it was into some sort of 3-1 "fast start." Did the first two games of the season not count on the north side?

Perhaps this explains why the Tribune is so pleased with its Cubbies year after year, even when the losing campaigns vastly outnumber the winning ones: It simply doesn't count some of the losses.

--Brett Ballantini

Perfection by Omission

Paul Sullivan practices a common Tribune tactic in his ebullient take on the finish to his north sider's second win of the season on Sunday. Call it "perfection by omission."

Sully breathlessly reports that closer-until-broken Kerry Wood was able to "pick up his second save in two tries with a perfect ninth inning."

Now, to the letter, Sully isn't fudging here. Wood, despite a 9.00 ERA and 1.33 WHIP, has not yet blown a save in two tries.

But there's an implication in the writing that Wood's been perfect this season, that 1-2-3 9ths are just another day at the office for him, the long-time Cub, first-time closer.

Heh, not exactly. It was a mere six days earlier that Wood debuted disastrously, handing the game to the Brewers in the 9th before receiving a complete, three-run bailout from Kosuke Fukodome in the bottom of the inning.

Sullivan was at that game too, right? Let's check. Yep, here you go: "But the day was a total downer for Carlos Zambrano, who remains winless in four Opening Day starts and left in the seventh inning with forearm cramps. And for Kerry Wood, who allowed three runs in the ninth in his debut as the Cubs' closer."

After Wood's implosion, visitors to ChicagoSports.com voted by a 74% landslide that Wood be replaced by the electric Carlos Marmol as the team's closer. Comcast SportsNet's you-scratch-my-back-I'll-scratch-yours Chicago Tribune Live, the talking head survey of all Chicago sports that just happens to star a panel of experts almost exclusively culled from the dank Tribune catacombs (the White Sox played on Comcast that day, but the Cubbies still managed to cut in line for coverage), was just as hysterical in its debate.

If the White Sox's Bobby Jenks had just completed his second save in two tries but badly misfired in his first outing of the year, is there any chance whatsoever that Tribune coverage merely would laud Jenks for the two-for-two and conveniently overlook the fact that he needed a barf bag to escape his outing in the opener?

You know the answer to that rhetorical question. Never. Ever.

Apparently Sully feels Kerry Wood's psyche is as fragile as all his reconditioned arm pieces. And that Chicago sports fans aren't smart enough to catch the insipid bias that seeps into every Tribune sports page.

--Brett Ballantini

Today's Lesson: Sincerity

As much as there is to applaud over Rick Morrissey turning his Friday column about Steve Bartman being entitled to "sincere apologies" for all the abuse he has suffered in the past four-plus years into a detailed diatribe against the Sun-Times' little engine that could, Jay Mariotti, one thing seems awfully disingenuous about Moose's attack.

Forget the juxtaposition of mercy for Bartman/gallows for Mariotti. No, it's simply the irony of chiding the Blue Jay for mentioning Bartman in a column every two and a half weeks in a column about...Steve Bartman.

The column, of course, tugged at the heartstrings on the level of Bill Plaschke of the Los Angeles Times, who routinely wins national column-writing awards despite offering all the poetry and insight of an old Comiskey Park brick.

However it serves you on a slow news day, eh, Rick?

--Brett Ballantini

Doc Represents

Last night, Chicago native and White Sox fan Doc Rivers brought his NBA-best Boston Celtics to the United Center. In the middle of his pregame comments he stopped and said, "aren't any of you going to ask about my White Sox? They got hosed in the opener..." going on to animatedly detail the infractions the umpiring crew committed against the Pale Hose on Monday afternoon.

The shock among the mixed group of reporters from Boston (who believe there is only one team named Sox in baseball and there's an entire, laughable "Nation" supporting it) and Chicago (the majority of whom are employed in one way or another by the owner of the other baseball team in Chicago) was palpable, as if Doc was riffing on cake baking or spider monkeys.

"What about the Cubs?" one of the bolder fans of the boys in blue PJs asked.

"The White Sox are my team," said the Chicago native said, with an almost derisive laugh.

One Cubune Watcher among the brood shouted out "right on, Doc," which seemed to inspire another set of shock waves, especially after Doc threw out a "thank you" and knuckle-bump of confirmation.

Way to represent your colors, Doc.

--Brett Ballantini

Lets Record the First Error of the Season

Even the staunchest Tribune critic would applaud the installation of a statue dedicated to all-time great Ernie Banks, if only because of the fact that the Cubbies have finally figured out that if you're going to erect monuments outside of your ballpark, they ought to be of ballplayers, not broadcasters.

However, there's one little problem with the statue. The inscription reads: Lets Play Two.

The Tribune's Mary Schmich writes about the gaffe in Wednesday's Tribune. She's a stickler for proper grammar, causing one to believe she may be another closeted White Sox fan roaming the Tower.

Schmich reports that at least half of the people she witnessed hopping out to snap photos of the new statue didn't detect anything wrong with it. Cubbies fan Brian, who wouldn't offer his last name because he didn't want to insult the team (Brian, it's a statue, man, Ernie Banks didn't forge the thing from his own bone spurs and elbow chips between games of a doubleheader), said the error was "just a nitpicky thing about English."

Cubbies fan Ken Royal was not so generous, noting the error and commenting, "that's the Cubs for you."

Maybe the next White Sox fan hired by the Tribune should be a proofreader.

--Brett Ballantini