Cubune Claims World Domination

It's hard to believe this appeared on the front page of a major American metropolitan newspaper, but indeed, it can be found on the front page of today's Chicago Tribune:

"It certainly assumes a loud, proud home crowd in the enchanted kingdom of Wrigley Field will have an influence on the Cubs' reversing their curse, now that the whole world is lampooning its favorite franchise once again."

Okay, bad enough calling the urinal an enchanted kingdom when it's up for sale, but honestly, is the whole world rapt by the Tribune's Cubbies? I'm sure they're just glued to TBS in Baghdad, and pissed it's not on WGN. Are the Tribune's Cubbies the whole world's favorite franchise? The Yankees and Red Sox both have a much larger national following than the Cubs, and the White Sox still seem to be the most popular team in Chicago, especially with the Cubs' TV ratings now showing a collapse almost as dramatic as the collapse of their ability.

Meanwhile, on the Sports page, Tribune fiction writer Dave van Dyck gives the Diamondbacks the following pieces of advice in this morning's paper. The Diamondbacks. Not the Cubs, the Diamondbacks:

1. Don't be intimidated
2. Stay aggressive
3. Keep the Cubs' sluggers refrigerated
4. Show plate patience
5. Don't panic

Don't be intimidated, because a Little League ballfield full of sloppy sobbing drunks in blue pajamas is so scary. Stay aggressive, because the D-Backs were probably planning to just chill out during this game, kick back, see what happens. Keep the sluggers refrigerated, because in the course of hanging out, why not toss a little batting practice? Did he mean "sluggards?" because these "sluggers" have fewer hits than Vanilla Ice. Show plate patience, because the last thing we need is for Chris Young to belt the first pitch of Game Three out of the park. And finally: Don't panic. . . . I just don't even know what to say to that one.

Thanks to the Lone Ranger for this post.