Stop the Presses: Soriano Frowns

The New York Times published a story yesterday about the Cubs' renewed effort to buy a World Series. In the accompanying photo, Alfonso Soriano is not smiling. Gasp. This raises some questions. And some answers.

1. Does the New York Times know something the Chicago Tribune does not know?

Yes. A few things. Among them, that Alfonso Soriano's smile is not "ever-present."

2. Does Alfonso Soriano know something the Chicago Tribune does not know?

Yes. That a career with the Cubs usually peaks on the day the contract is signed, and usually collapses into mediocrity soon after. For example, please see Jacque Jones, Juan Pierre, Nomar Garciaparra, Mark Prior, Dusty Baker, Corey Patterson, Moises Alou, Ann Marie Lipinski, the Los Angeles Times. Behind Alfonso's less-than-ever-present smile, he's looking mediocrity right in the eye. He's come to the crossroads that has destroyed so many players before him: Clark and Addison. The only way to escape this trend, Alfonso knows, is to do the "Sammy Sosa," as it is known in the clubouse, which involves injecting a foreign substance (you know, like cork), in a place where it doesn't belong (like inside your bat).


Knowing When to Retire

Tribune columnist Rick Morrissey declared the end of the White Sox season in his column yesterday. Morrissey: "In terms of championships, this is what (Sox GM Ken) Williams is saying to Sox fans: One and done. You have your 2005 World Series. Shut up and be happy."

In terms of championships, who knows more: Ken Williams, who actually won one, or Rick Morrissey, who predicted his precious Cubbies would win their division last year. They finished last. Last. The "shut up" that Morrissey hears is actually directed at him. Rick, there's a beach somewhere waiting for you, where you can get big fruity drinks and watch your Cubbies via satellite. Go now. You'll be happier, and so will Chicago.